Saturday, April 12, 2008

Dead Mom Week

How could you not be happy to have had this, for even a short time?

Let's not beat around the bush.  It's not my style.  I've been getting crankier and crankier over the past several weeks and it's not hard to figure out why.  If I was too dense to figure it out, then mom is invading my dreams almost nightly just to make sure I get it. 

I get it.  For those you just joining us--Thursday is the day she stopped breathing (and could've gone peacefully in her sleep, but that's another rant).  Friday is the day we unplugged her and the doctor said, "It'll probably only be an hour or two once we turn off the fluids (that were keeping her blood pressure up)."  She didn't know my mom so she can't be blamed for giving us false information.  And today--well, that's when nature won out over sheer stubbornness and she slipped out on us.  But oh boy, not without a fight.

The check in calls and emails are starting to trickle in. Only one was direct.  Most are shy, unobtrusive, hesitant. Should I say something? Should I not say something?  That's up to you. I can tell you that the pain will be there either way and I'm a pretty direct girl.  Can't hurt, might help.  I probably won't answer the phone anyway. I'm just glad I didn't break down in writing class this week, that would be awkward.  It's not like someone wrote a story about their mom either.  It's just dead mom week.  It's supposed to suck.

On the good news front, her house (I continue to think of, and refer to it as 'mom's house' is FINALLY clean.  I got the dressersthatwouldn'tdie(TM) out of there last weekend and the cleaners came on Tuesday.  They were supposed to come last Tuesday but A) they were 40 minutes late and B) there was no hot water because I forgot we had turned off the tank and in fact, the pilot light had gone out.  So they rescheduled me without a penalty charge (I would've had thrown a fit--how 'bout I charge them $35 for making me late to class?).  And we tried again this week.  This time they showed up at my house as I was leaving to meet them. Luckily they were running a little early this time and I was running a little late.  I had them follow me over and left them to it.  It took six hours, instead of the four they told me and I had to leave drawing class to go pay them, but it was done.  Clean. Smelled like a house someone might want to live in, instead of a sad museum.

I've been feeling better the last couple of days, oddly.  Could be the biking (and getting used to biking again, cause I've been exhausted for the past two weeks).  Could be the yoga, or the sun.  At any rate, there's plenty to keep me busy and I've decided I'm not just going to sit around all weekend thinkingaboutwhatIwasdoingthistimelastyear.  I got a call from an aunt who said she's spending the day celebrating--reading, reading to kids, dancing.  Sounds like the way to go.

If you call today, don't be surprised if I don't answer.  I'll be on my bike.


Milena said...

Kronda - for some reason I thought I should visit your blog today. I guess this is why.

I'm so sorry.

I want to offer some comfort, but don't have the words. So here's to having nothing to say and hoping you can hear it anyways.

Kronda said...

Thanks Milena. You're coming in loud and clear. :)

digitdeva said...

Just landed after hours of cross country travel and chose to get online rather than rest.

Finding your blog carried me back to different days, and I want to offer now, as then, a hand to hold, a hope that you'll continue to do whatever works to help you on this rollercoaster ride.

Know, always, that I adore you and will have your back, even when ou can't feel my hand. Be well, keep riding, and relax when you can.

Sharon Gary-Smith

Dan said...

A general memory I have is of your mother kindly tolerating me in the library, when I was a geeky rpger, when I was a geeky theatre weenie, when I was just loud.

Danette said...

I remember playing Jenga on New Year's Eve. I remember Rummikube, Taboo, and a whole grip of smack talking. I remember your mom trying my asparagus & broccoli burritos at the beach and deeming them to be good. I remember her teasing me about losing the keys to the beach house, my panic, and her slow, mischievous smile.

I love you.
I'm sorry.

Jennifer said...

Hey K,
We next door still call it Genia's house:) Really enjoying whatever those pink flowers(azaleas?) are that she had the forethought to plant and waiting to see the irises. It's going to be weird having someone new there and I can't believe a whole year's gone by. Big love, hugs, squeezes.
Jen, Dave and Lindy

Anonymous said...

Hey Kronda,

I'm thinking of you this week as you experience all of the emotions, memories, and dreams that you're going through this past week. Your mom is definately thinking about you as well.

I'm not working anymore, hooray, so text me if you want to ride bikes together somewhere.

Love and happiness to you right now,
erica p