Friday, September 28, 2007

Grief 1, Me 0

OK, so I'm not really fine.

My mom has been dead for five months, two weeks and two days. If there's one constant thread in the things people tell me about this journey, it's that there is no time line for when my brain might successfully process the knowledge that I'll never get to see her again. E.V.E.R. Or when I will stop having the ocassional crushing grief spell, crying so hard my head hurts and I can barely breath. I've been trying to think of a good analogy for what it feels like. I know there's know way I could've understood what it was like before. The nearest I can come is, imagine if someone put your hand to a hot burner--and held it there. And your skin is burning up and turning black and peeling off, and all you want in life is to lift your hand up and get some relief...but someone or something is just holding it down. It's sort of like that, only instead of a burning sensation, I just feel like my heart might break right in half from missing her so much.

I'm not trying to be melodramatic. It really does suck that bad. Only much worse.

They say time heals all wounds and I'm sure I'll feel better eventually. But it's going to take longer than five months, two weeks and two days.

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